~Holiday’s~

Here we go… Haven’t you heard….. It’s the most wonderful time of the year!? OH HELL NO!!! Most definitely NOT! Not in my world, it has, always was and forever will be the WORST time of the year…… Yup, that’s me, the Grinch, Bah Humbug! I’m a Christmas hater, but don’t hate me (the player…), hate the game – I’m stuck in it! My Dad died on December 23rd. His passing and all the ABSOLUTE craziness that ensued after his death has just completely ruined me and my relationship with the “Holiday’s” forever. FOREVER! So, this is why, unlike everyone else, I dread the Holiday season. The minute I see the first sign of any sort of Christmas decor (actually, if I’m being honest, it begins the minute Halloween ends….), hear a song, etc., my heart and soul go into full blown mourning mode. I just glaze over…. And I thought as I got older it would gradually get easier, hurt less, the tears would subside, and eventually having a family of my own would make me miraculously change!? (this thought is somehow – bat shit crazy – to me now..) You know, I’d be able to become one of those crazy ass people who just live for Christmas… THEY LOVE CHRISTMAS…. the decorating, the baking, the gathering of family from near and far…. The singing of carols, mindlessly humming happiness without even being aware. I find this all just HILARIOUS! because, sadly, for me, my past (unlike the rest of the world!) and my childhood memories of Holiday’s long gone aren’t all warm and fuzzy, and dipped in extreme joy and peace and love, they’re tainted with extreme sadness, sorrow, tears, and loss, not only the loss of my Dad, but most of my family too (why didn’t anyone fight for me, love me enough to fix broken me, worry about what this would do to future me!?). All of these things combined have just murdered the Christmas spirit deep down in my soul, pushed it to an unreachable place, where the hole is so black, deep, dark, empty and endless, that it leaves me with a constant ache, an overwhelming emptiness, that I’ve discovered, recently (as I’m getting older now, it’s been like over 30 years) can never be fixed. I’m pretty sure I am the way I am (so badly broken), because of the way the whole situation (situation being code for my Dad’s death and life afterward) was handled…. instead of dealing with it, talking about it, putting it to bed and moving on, I am thrown, every. single. year., right back to 1977. I’m 9 years old again and all those things I’ve been so expertly suppressing (not so expertly I’ve discovered!), are suddenly so REAL – feeling lost, abandoned, insecure, unloved, scared and so extremely alone in my own world of grief – it’s a real world to me – a solid steel wall of haze, that not one person/place/thing in my adult life has ever been able to erase or penetrate….. No matter where life has brought me, or what has changed, all those horrific unbelievable feelings come rushing back and I just can’t seem to shake them. Like EVER! Not marriage, the birth of my son, the commencement of Mom life, wife life, in law life, has even put a dent in my sad, depressed, solid steel haze of miserable existence, that becomes my world, the minute Thanksgiving and Christmas come into the picture. It’s very pathetic, sad and extremely unfair, this merry go round that I really do want to get off of… But I just can’t. CAN’T! Anytime I think progress is being made in that area, there’s always, and I mean ALWAYS, something (or someone!) that knocks me right over, sucking what little life I have managed to accumulate – carefully, out of me and no matter how hard I try I just can never recover, never get back to that tiniest of happy places….. It’s like quicksand, the more you struggle to get out, the deeper and deeper it sucks you in…… And when you get to be my age, being knocked down and kicked in the stomach so many times, finally takes it’s toll….. I mean, seriously, how many times can you bounce back after having all those horrible feelings (and people) sucking the complete life out of you, year after year!? Sadly, there’s no where to run and hide until the season is over (is that even possible!?)….. And I couldn’t just essentially stick my head in the sand, till it was all over, that’s unhealthy isn’t it!? I’d never “check out” temporarily, like EVER, on my son, my husband (they need me, how could I ever even entertain the idea that I am more important, isn’t that being selfish…) and my family. Sorry, but, that would, essentially mean in some shape or manner, that I did the same thing to my kid, that my dad did to me!? My mom did to me… um, but, intentionally!? Ah, Hell NO! Seriously!? NO Flippin’ WAY! I’m trying to be that adult… You know, the one to break the unhealthy family relationship pattern! Not sure if I’m getting that done successfully, but I sure as hell am trying, HARD! Every. Single. Day. Which is why, I suck it up! I suppress those tears, swallow every single ounce of sadness, depression, frustration and just blindly navigate through my Holiday haze. I plaster that fake smile on, swallow back the roller coaster of emotions that a broken lifetime of unhappiness builds, and I hike up my big girl pants, and go through the motions, ALL OF THEM!! I don’t skimp on the details, because making my boy happy is my number one priority, and so, essentially, I’m just navigating my haze, all numbed up, and fake until that ball drops on January 1st and I can breathe again.